is your mom at the bar?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
