Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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