Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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