Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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