Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
