a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
