I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
