Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
