She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
