Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
