ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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