All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
