You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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