Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
