theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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