I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
