did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
