I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
