I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
