my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
