He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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