When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
