a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
