I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
