Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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