The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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