My underwear smells like fireworks.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
