you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
