You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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