well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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