Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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