You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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