I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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