and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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