My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
