I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
