at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
