my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
