I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
