I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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