i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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