When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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