Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
