I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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