When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
