Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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