hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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