I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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