one two three fourrrrnication!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
