i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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