she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
