People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
