I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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