i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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