So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
