im having a threesome with these popsicles
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
