I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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