I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
